Chicago. It's a city I all know. Tall buildings, face pace. Some splendor, some grime. I've seen the beggars there plenty of times. I knew London was a city. But somehow, every time I would consider it, it was gold. Shining and splendorous. The first time I saw a person begging in London, I was shocked. Someone had taken my stained glass lenses and poked just one piece out. Falling, tumbling, it struck the hard ground and shattered into slivers and shreds. It would never be returned to its place. Now I could see through to the real world. Oh, I could still see the wonderful, but I could now also see through to the reality behind the dream. It started to really bug me. How could I be spending so much, especially considering things such as souvenirs and gifts that weren't necessary, while there was this person who didn't even have a place to live? And even were this one person to be suddenly all right, my delusion was over. Even if they were all right, there are more people in need that I can see. So what do I make of what I'm doing? Is it right? Is it wrong?
I started to examine what it means to be selfish. I wish I knew. I wish I had a definition, for myself, and for everyone else. But, the more I think about it, I believe it might be a very good thing that I don't have the exact answer. If I had all the answers, I wouldn't turn to God for them. I'm asking him questions all the time, and I love it. So my first "answer" is: turn to God for the answers. Pray and read his word. He speaks.
My second "answer" is a type of negative theology so to speak. The same way that negative theology strives to arrive at a conception of God by establishing what he is not, I shall apply the same tactics regarding selfishness.
First, selfishness is not self-consideration. We consider ourselves all the time. I consider when I get up, that I should eat and what I should eat, etc. Also, if I say selfishness is wrong and try to stop, by being conscious of my selfishness and trying to not act thusly, I am still considering myself and my actions. Also, it is said that as we draw closer to Christ, we come into a fuller idea of who we truly are. This is quite different from the idea of nirvana. We do not seek the annihilation of self, but, rather, the recognition of true self. (I realize that this raises a whole host of further questions, but will place them aside currently for the sake of continuing along the same line of thought). Therefore, self-consideration cannot be synonymous for selfishness.
Neither is selfishness synonymous with self-edification. Reading a good book is edifying. Reading the Bible is edifying. Striving to live in the feet of Christ is edifying. Therefore, selfishness is not self-edification.
There is still the all important caveat. It would seem that self-consideration and self-edification are not necessarily selfishness. I would say that they could be though, if the pursuit of either is placed over and against love of God and others. The hard part then, if discovering whether the placement is proper or not. Again, I wish I could claim to know. However, it still stand that I do not, and I am just grateful to know where to go when I'm confused and searching.
I would like to draw one more distinction. It is the difference between outward and inward edification.
Here, I am being edified outwardly so much. Probably more than I can say. For starters, I'm in England. Then I'm taking these great classes, from Christian professors with Christian peers, so that our conversations are fitted within the Christian paradigm. I am seeing cites of literary and theological value, and just plain enjoying myself.
However, it will be a constant war to avoid the assumption that just because the outside is shining, that so too is the inside. It is so easy for me to do that, and especially when the outside is painted in the semblance of something Christian. I can say that there was chapel, a prayer before meal, talking about Lewis and God, while perfectly ignoring my personal relationship with Christ. In London, I found myself so caught up with excitement and the fast pace of life there, that my devotionals dwindled. First 10 minutes, then 5, then nothing but a muttered prayer as I raced out the door. I cannot live like that. I cannot live without my Lord.
My last urge, for me, for my peers, for the body of Christ, is to be vulnerable. James 5:16 prompts us to confess our sins to one another. I'll be the first to admit that that is not fun. It's uncomfortable. Who wants to admit their weaknesses? If we just pretend we're fine, maybe our delusion will become reality, right? No. By covering up our cracks and scars, we're only holding ourselves back from help. The converse side of this is: pray for one another. Even if someone refuses to let you see their brokenness, you know they are. We are all broken, and we all need prayer. Start praying now; you don't have to wait for someone to come to you.
I used to interpret the last part of James 5:16 really differently than I do now. It says, "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." Well, for so long, whenever I would read that verse, I thought that all I needed to do was find a really righteous person, and then have them pray for all my sins and shortcomings. You know, the type that does 2 devotionals a day, leads a bible study, is writing a theological book, and is probably a pastor too. Haha well, God showed me differently. I am a righteous woman. I have the righteousness of Christ. My prayers are powerful and effective, not because of me, but because I have a powerful and effective God. So, my brothers and sisters, I beg you. You know that your family is broken and hurting, and you know that you have the power of prayer. Then, pray! Pray in faith, pray in love. Pray with the mind of Christ.
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